Ungrateful & guilty

I feel so ungrateful and guilty for saying this, but I’ve been feeling off lately. I’m exhausted, tired, and emotional, and my mindset is just not that positive at the moment. It’s weird because I’ve had the best days of my life the past few weeks! They have been so amazing. I mean, I got married to the love of my life, and I think I’ve never been this happy in my life as I’ve been these last few weeks. But I also have to admit that getting married comes with a lot of emotions that I did not see coming. It’s not bad at all; it’s good, but it can be overwhelming. I think that’s also part of why I feel the way I’m feeling: ungrateful and guilty. Lately, I’ve been feeling like life is too good to be true, which is both good and scary.

I think I might be burned out, to be honest, and I’ve just been denying it a lot because I didn’t want to feel like this. I need to accept that sometimes we all have off days, and it’s not because I’m ungrateful but because I’m human and have emotions. It’s not fair to be this hard on myself and feel guilty for not being happy, energetic, and all good. Don’t get me wrong: I love my life currently, I really do. I think what I’m trying to say through this blog post is that it is okay to have off days. I have to learn to accept it and understand that it’s not something to feel bad about, nor does it mean I’m not grateful. I’m just processing a bunch of emotions, and that is totally fair. Actually, writing this blog post helps a lot with accepting where I am with my thoughts right now. Blogging is my therapy :P

I listened to a podcast earlier this morning where the host talked about several ways to rest. It’s different for all of us. For some, it is sleeping; for others, it is drawing, singing, going out in nature, or listening to music. For me, I think it is creating content: taking photos, writing blog posts, and just creating something. That makes me feel more calm, grounded and alive.

It’s just a weird feeling that I’m finally feeling really happy, fulfilled, and excited for life in a new way. I’m excited and happy in a different way that I didn’t know was possible. So, it is strange that these last couple of days I’ve felt like a depressed mess for no reason. But I guess it is all right. I think my body is telling me to rest and to accept all the emotions I’m dealing with right now.

I also think this is one of my anxiety issues, to be honest: “Everything is too good, and I’m too happy. Something bad is going to happen, so let me just mess it up myself because then I’m then ‘protecting’ myself, which I’m not.” I feel like I’m not safe if things are too good in life, and I guess it is something I have to work on as part of my healing process from PTSD. I need to relax, stay present, and enjoy the moment instead of being scared, overthinking, and reacting because my emotions are too much for me, even though everything is OK. It’s like I always have to be prepared for some “fight” or battle in life. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one feeling this way though, and that is also a reason I’m sharing: if you feel this way, you are not alone at all and it might be “normal” and part of the healing process to go through this, since we all have some past traumas to deal with in one way or another.

This blog post might seem all over the place, but I think I’m trying to reflect and share with you all that we are human beings with a lot of emotions and sometimes it is all right to take a step back and say “i need to rest”. Even though we have a lot in life to be grateful for, it is alright to sometimes feel off, moody, and not happy, because, again, we are just human. The most important thing is to understand where these feelings come from, and I think I just realized where mine are coming from.

I’ve learned a lot about it in therapy. Due to some personal struggles over the years, it’s hard for me to enjoy the present and stay in it because I’m always afraid something bad is going to happen. I think, “This is too good to be true, so let me find something that is wrong.” I don’t let myself fully enjoy everything. I’m scared of getting hurt or dealing with pain, so I end up hurting myself in advance (cause you know, that is smart and makes totally sense *sarcastic tone*)

I guess writing this blogpost was my way of resting. See, I already feel better, like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.

So, this is just a reminder to myself and to all of you if you need to hear it as well: It is okay to not be happy all the time, and it is okay to be scared and have off days. It is part of being human. It is part of our healing process, which we should embrace. Healing is such a beautiful thing, and it can be hard sometimes, even when life is going well. I guess it is just part of the process and we have to accept that.


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