I’ve had to pause for a second. I haven’t been feeling well physically or mentally, and I’m still not. So yeah, I thought I’d write a “life lately” post and take my time to actually reflect on how I’ve been feeling lately.
Where do I even begin? I guess… I mean, I think I’ve been struggling for the last two weeks and have kind of been forced to slow down now due to my health.
Our little guy just started daycare two weeks ago, and of course he came home with a stomach virus, as kids do. My immune system is really bad, and especially when I don’t eat properly and I’m stressed and anxious, I get affected very easily. Work kind of took over my life lately, and I couldn’t balance life.
I’ve been working a lot lately due to deadlines, and even though I started getting sick, I just kept going. Then my body finally said stop. I’ve been sick on and off for the past two weeks. I haven’t been able to eat anything without throwing it up again. I’ve been nauseous, dizzy, and just not feeling well. It was a virus I got from my son, and now I’ve of course passed it on to my dear husband -.-‘ So basically my little family is not feeling well at the moment.
Instead of taking care of myself so I could be there for myself and my little family, I tried to push harder and work more. I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been performing well in this new project I’ve been assigned to at my job; which is proposal writing. It’s like a whole new art form to write proposals in the IT corporate world, which I’ve never done before. But yeah, because I felt like I wasn’t performing well, which makes total sense since it’s my first time doing this kind of work, I was incredibly hard on myself. That, of course, also affected my health both physically and mentally.
I love my job. I really do. But sometimes it can take over. I mean I let it take over and not in a healthy way. For the most part, I usually can survive with this bad habit of mine. If I’m not satisfied with my performance, I try harder. I don’t want to quit. I want to grow and evolve.
But the thing is… as a mom, a first-time mom, going back to work five months ago and having a ten-month-old baby right now… it’s not easy if I continue on this path. I can’t make life outside of work function this way. And even though I love my job, no one has complained or expects me to work like I do. No one expects this from me except me, so I really need to give myself a break and add some boundaries. My health is important and should be my first priority. And my baby comes first. I want to be there for him. And I cant be there for him if I’m not mentally and physically well.
Ten years from now, or even five, I won’t sit and think, “Oh gosh, I should have worked harder back then.” However, I’ll think, “Oh my god, I missed out on my baby’s small milestones because I was so caught up in my job, people-pleasing, and overperforming anxiety (highly functional anxiety, I guess).” And that’s just not worth it. I don’t want to feel that way in the future, so I need to get my sh*t together.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ll still do my job well and make an effort, just not at the expense of my baby, my partner, or my family or my health.
I think this is something a lot of working moms can relate to. I also think that in the IT world, it can sometimes feel like, as a woman, you have to do extra to be seen. But I don’t know… maybe that’s just a perspective I need to let go of and not stress about. Just do my job well and move on with life.
Becoming a mom really puts a lot of things into perspective. It’s crazy. I’m still trying to find my way in this new world and do what feels best for me and my family. It’s tough, though.
But yeah… being there neither for my baby, my family, my partner, or myself will, in the long run, also affect my work-life. So I guess it’s all connected. To do better at my job, I first need to take care of myself and my family. Then I’ll do much better at work too I think.
I also think the timing hasn’t helped: moving to a new home, starting work again after the holidays, the shitty weather, trains being cancelled or delayed, and long days commuting to the office. On top of that, sickness, our kid starting daycare and getting sick, and lately him waking up every hour. It’s hard to rest and recover physically when you don’t get proper sleep. So yeah, it’s been tough. It’s not to sound all whiny or anything. I just think it’s important to acknowledge when something is tough. That doesn’t mean there still aren’t a lot of moments I enjoy and will cherish for life. So don’t get me wrong; I’m still very grateful for my life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t vent when I need to, if that makes sense. I’m just kind of letting it all out right now through this blogpost xD haha. After this I will get over it and keep working on myself and my life as per usual xD
I’m not sad. I mean, I’ve had a couple of breakdowns, not gonna lie xD. I’ve definitely thought, “How the f do all moms do this?!” But it takes time to find your way and build routines that work for you. I have to accept that this is where I’m at right now.
I had to work this weekend, and I did. But on Saturday I couldn’t work a lot as expected, because I was throwing up constantly and couldn’t eat anything… On Sunday, I forced myself to work as much as I could from 7AM in the morning, and then I talked to my project lead about how I’ve been feeling, cause I felt worse during the day. He agreed that my health is way more important and that I should stop working and focus on getting better. He said “if you’re sick, then you’re sick. The rest of the team will hav eto manage. That’s it”. They’ll figure out the work, and I shouldn’t stress about it. It’s really nice to have colleagues who listen, understand what you’re going through, and help you step back when you struggle stepping back yourself. I’m very grateful for that. I think it’s one of the biggest reasons that I love my job and workplace. There is room for having a life even though work can take a lot of your time and the colleagues are always there for you no matter how much pressure they are under themselves.
I’m my own worst enemy. I’m stressing and pushing myself for nothing; no one has required me to work this hard. So yeah… what am I even doing? Who am I trying to prove something to or impress? And what am I even trying to prove? -.-‘ As you can tell, writing this blog post gives me some sort of revelation xD. Blogging is my therapy after all. I should definitely do this more often xD haha
Anyway, this blog post ended up being all over the place. I just needed to get this out of my system. And I also think it’s relatable, so I wanted to share… to let you know that I get it, and you’re not alone… if you feel this way <3
