Goodbye

Hi again!
Once again: Happy New Year!! <3
Let me start off with saying: 2020.. was different.. like really different for all of us. But I’ve been trying to reflect on the year today and it has not been that bad at all: I mean my family is healthy, I am healthy, my friends are healthy, we are all ok due to the circumstances. I have a job, which a lot of people lost this year. I’m ok health wise or at least taking care of it and financially I’m good and my close ones are doing ok too and for that I’m truly grateful and in that way 2020 was ok I guess. But no doubt that COVID sucks and f’ed up all of our plans and hopes to some extend. I gotta admit that too.

If there is ONE main thing I wanna take with me from 2020 and work on in 2021 it is: being unapologetically myself! No one is perfect, so yeah I am probably gonna make mistakes along the way like we all do but also I’m gonna make the best memories ever because of being myself 100% and: at least I was 100 % myself and it was me being me and me being real which will lead to no regrets. 2020 was exhausting in a lot of ways. I care a lot about what people think and feel towards me. I’ve always been that way. I prioritize their needs more than my own. And yeah I would like to be liked by everyone and make sure no one misunderstand what I’m saying cause my intentions are not bad or negative. I want everyone to know that and think I’m a good ok person. I actually think we all want that to some extend. But this year… that just made me so exhausted… I got tired of it. I’m really tired of being sorry all the time for everything and feeling guilty all the time and feeling I’m not good enough. I’m tired of saying sorry all the time for everything I do or say and I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough for all the ones I care about and I’m tired because I cant satisfy all my family’s and friends’s expectations and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. I’ve been so exhausted feeling that way and feeling anxious about everything and everyone all the time. I was tired in 2020. I still kinda am. So in 2020 I started asking myself what do I need? what do I want? And this year I’m gonna ask myself that even more and try harder than ever to stand up for myself. I love my family and friends from the bottom of my heart and luckily they get me and know me very well. But I still feel guilty for being me and living life the way I want sometimes. It has nothing to do with my friends and family but has everything to do with me. This year I realized I wasn’t feeling that well mentally and I had to take a step back. I had to take breaks and cancel plans several times to understand what has been going on and why I was feeling the way I did. I will go in more depth with this part another time but I realized in 2020 that I have to take care of myself and prioritize my needs and make sure that I’m okay cause.. no one else is going to do that for me.. That is MY responsibility. And I can’t be there for my family and friends if I dont take care of myself and make sure I’m okay. So that has been my focus in most of 2020 and it is gonna be a bigger focus in 2021. As you can tell; 2020 made me reflect on myself and my life and have a really positive impact on me even though 2020 was a tough year.

Now let’s talk COVID -.-‘ The first lockdown was very scary at first cause I didn’t understand or know enough about COVID. Beside that I was at my parents place and I actually had a good time with my family and close friends. Thannu and I were out biking, I watched the sunsets and enjoyed the nature, I went for walks with Amma, I did workout, I worked from home, I enjoyed Amma’s home-cooked meals.. It was just really peaceful and much needed somehow without me knowing it. But after those 7 weeks… it got tough. I think isolation was healthy for me: it forced me to reflect and listen to my own thoughts which I did and that was exhausting as well. I reflected and realized so much because of COVID since everything was pretty much cancelled since March. I guess that break, even though it was exhausting, it was needed and healthy for me.

I don’t think I’ve always been like this. Not 100 % sure but I felt like in 2020 my insecurities took over. I started doubting myself a lot. I started being very anxious and I just didn’t really believe in myself and I lost interest in a lot of things where I felt like some things I just did just for the sake of doing it.. I guess I needed inspiration and motivation.. but also I think all the reflection and realization also made me a little anxious and insecure. But I started listening to my body and mind and gave myself several breaks to process my thoughts and life. The first step was to accept that I was struggling and I didn’t feel well. After that it was easier to understand what to do and how to handle my emotions and what I was going through I guess.

Another struggle in 2020 was being reminded of my age and how “behind I am with life”. That sh*t really got to me this year.. Usually I dont really care and I dont let that get to me: I’m talking about our culture and where we should be in life etc. This year I got nervous and anxious about my life and my future. I felt like a failure and behind with life and oh.. thinking of it.. maybe that also made me insecure I guess.. The worse part was I myself also thought that I would be in a totally different place in life by now but the fact is: I am not. It is what it is. I had to accept the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be in life and I had to be okay with it. I again had to take a step back when people started telling me what decisions I had to make to get where I should be in life and how I should live my life. The culture really got to me this year. The culture made me feel old, behind with life and it made me feel like a failure and made me feel exhausted. Thinking of it I’m actually really happy for where I am in life and I really dont want to rush through life just for the sake of rushing through it. I wanna enjoy the process of life, the journey and see where it takes me you know.

In 2020 I started enjoying living in Copenhagen. This city is beautiful. I don’t know if I would live here like forever but I love this city. It’s beautiful. The nature, the ocean, the view and all the things you can do here is amazing. In 2020 we moved to a new apartment which was awesome! I also took my finances more serious! I proved to myself that I can build up a life for myself! That felt so good! I also started realizing that happiness is something internal. An inside job. I kinda knew that already but I guess I didn’t really understand it properly. I thought finishing my education, getting a job, getting a beautiful apartment would make me happy; like that was happiness itself; but no. That is just external factors that makes me live a good life externally. Job, money, a big apartment is not essentiel for happiness for me. I love my job. I enjoy it! Or else I wouldn’t work there. I love money; it gives me opportunities and ressources! I love my apartment! I love having my own space. But the money and the apartment does not define happiness at all. My job kinda does. It excited me and I feel like I’m growing and I love that! But that only cannot make me feel 100 % fulfilled and 100 % happy. I realized it was an internal job. I needed to do some inner work to feel happy. It had nothing to do with those external factors. I have to love myself and feel good about who I’ve become. At some point I am proud and happy but there is still a lot of work to do.. Insecurity, people pleasing, not standing up for myself.. feeling anxious and guilty… yeah that’s not the correct recipe for happiness. So I started working on my inner-self to understand what happiness is and what makes me feel grounded, peaceful, calm and purely happy. I realized nature, sunsets and beach makes me happy. That is pure happiness for me and I did enjoy it and embrace it a lot in 2020 and I’m gonna keep on embracing that in 2021 <3

The beach, sunsets, the colorful skies made my life so much more beautiful. Books made me evolve and become someone better and put my focus on me and not the people around me. Music helped me through the tough days where I felt I couldn’t pick up myself again.
Thank you 2020… for all the lessons and for making me realize what happiness is and is not and making me realize how privileged I am and how much I already have in life <3 I’m truly grateful and I will do my best to embrace life and become a better version of myself… Aaaaand Hi 2021! <3 Please be good to all of us <3

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