All right! I’ve already shared the first blog post I wrote very early in my pregnancy which I just posted recently, and in this post, I want to go a little more in-depth about my pregnancy journey so far (first trimester only). <3
First of all, I’m really grateful for being pregnant but first trimester was tough. The nausea was intense. I really struggled to commute to work by train because I felt sick and nauseous every day. I have to take the train 45 minutes to get to work and it was just a struggle. Luckily my workplace and colleagues were very understanding and I got to be more flexible with working from home instead of taking the train everyday. I’m very grateful for that.
We found out early on, that we were actually expecting twins, but we lost one. We went to an early scanning at a private clinic since I was bleeding at the beginning of my pregnancy which caused a lot of worries for the both of us. During that scanning you could see that there were two fetuses, but one was starting to “fade away.” There’s probably a better way to describe it, but I think you get what I mean. Even though we found this out very early in the pregnancy, it was still really hard. The thought that there were supposed to be two, but only one made it, was difficult to process and took some time. Also the anxiety of losing the other one just got worse.
At the same time, I also felt ungrateful for being sad, because I was still pregnant, and I should have been nothing but thankful. I felt like I should be over the moon about the pregnancy, but my emotions were all over the place. It’s not that I wasn’t grateful, I really was… but I think I was also grieving. There were just so many thoughts running through my head.
Since we were initially expecting twins and lost one, I couldn’t stop worrying that we might lose the other baby too. I was paranoid, anxious, nauseous… it just wasn’t a fun time.
After the first trimester, things got a little better. I was still nauseous and struggling, but I gave myself time to heal and feel better. I started working out, which helped a lot, and I began opening up and sharing what I was going through. Talking about it made a big difference and really helped me get back on my feet. I also think that is why I’m sharing this on the blog <3
I was also prioritizing my health and needs more than ever before. Normally, I would feel incredibly guilty for working from home this much for example or cancel so many plans but I still did. My priority was making sure the baby was okay and that I was okay. It was a new side of me. Usually, I would just force myself to go to work and pretend everything was fine for example, but since I was growing another human being inside me, I started making choices which was best for both the baby and myself. Even though it was tough and didn’t really feel like me, I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt this huge responsibility for another human being, that my priorities changed.
The first “official” scan during the first trimester was a little tough too. The baby was okay, thankfully, but the baby’s position made it difficult to get a clear view during the ultrasound. We were scheduled for another appointment at the hospital, but even then, the baby was in a position where the doctor couldn’t confirm that everything was all right. So, we had to take a blood test and wait 10–12 days to find out if everything was okay. Normally, when the scan goes well, you get the results right away, but in our case, the waiting was incredibly stressful. Thankfully, when the results came back, everything was okay.
This pretty much summed up my first trimester; the first trimester was a whirlwind; full of emotions, uncertainty, and change. Between the physical symptoms, the emotional rollercoaster, and the loss we experienced, it was a lot to carry quietly while still showing up for daily life. Not being able to tell people what was going on made it even harder. I felt disconnected, and I know others could sense it too. But even in the middle of all that, I learned to listen to my body and trust myself in a way I never had before. It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t always feel natural, but it was necessary. If anything, that’s what first trimester taught me: how to slow down, grieve, heal, and make space for both the joy and the pain of this journey. Pregnancy is such a beautiful journey but also a vulnerable challenging journey due to all the changes your body go through and also you as a person go through..
Anyways.. that’s it for this blogpost. I will share the second and third trimester in another separate blogpost <3 Thanks for reading and for being here as I continue sharing this chapter of my life. <3
